All Children, Except One, Grow Up

The title of my blog post is the opening line of the novel 'Peter Pan'. I'm familiar with the story although I don't remember having read it or having seen movie adaptations. Though, as I typed out the previous sentences, I'm pretty sure I want to read it up soonest.

I came across this line fairly recently through the American TV series - Greek. I've watched all seasons of Greek before. But remember how I mentioned that I'm residing in slackingdom right now? A random episode of Greek is part of my break on some days.

The last episode of Season 3 is titled, 'All Children ... Grow Up'. It shows all the characters off at spring break - some of them Seniors, contemplating their future paths. In a lot of ways, that summed up the past 10 months of my life. Not the spring break, the contemplation.

Karl Marx uses really loaded language in The Communist Manifesto. He says that the specter of communism is haunting Europe. Right now, the specter of growing up is haunting my life. For those of you reading this and have no idea about what I'm currently doing, the following should clear it up for you: I'm in my Third and Final Year of my Bachelor's degree in Sociology with honors at a college which is a part of the University of Delhi. I think I know what direction(s) I want to go towards. As of now, the plan is to get a Master's degree. While I thought I was sure about academics being my field ever since I began college, I wonder now if it has to do with escaping or delaying growing up. And this is, frankly, a bit hilarious or ridiculous.

From as far back as I can remember, I've had the urge to be independent and looked forward to life when I'd be doing things on own, 'grown up' stuff. I often joke that my room has always been the one closest to the exit - indicating how much I wanted to move out of home. My parents and brother have always been supportive and appreciative of that. Ironically, my brother wasn't the type who wanted to leave home when he was 18. Yet, that's exactly what happened. He moved out of home at 18 and ever since then, it's been holidays and one year in between that he lived with us. I've lived at home throughout, on the other hand. Till now.

Wake Up! Sid is one of my all-time favorite movies. The character of Aisha (Sid's friend and later, love) in the movie, felt like it was based on exactly what I had in store for my future or how I viewed my future self. I even remember a friend calling me up after watching the movie to tell me that he thought of me when he watched the movie. Girl moves to Mumbai. She wants to be a writer. She's taking the independence in her stride. She has a great one-room apartment and a job at a really cool magazine. Not just that, the qualities that I perceived myself as having were only more highlighted in contrast to Sid's character. Binary opposition, as Lévi-Strauss would point out. Sid was lazy. He was happy spending his father's money and didn't want to work at an office from 9 to 5 to earn that money. He had failed in his Bachelor degree final exams. He was a spoiled brat who really didn't want any responsibility if he could help it. But he finds that he could do justice to his passion for photography and perhaps turn into a career. And slowly, he goes on to 'come of age'. It's an amazing movie. 3 years ago, right before I started college, I was convinced I was Aisha in the making. And I knew a Sid. He woke up, btw. And I'm glad I could see him become someone more awesome.

Funnily, along the way, I think I've become something like Sid. Over the last 3 years, I've been lost, a number of times. Not knowing if I had any direction in life. Sometimes doubting whether I really loved Sociology. Sometimes doubting if this love was reciprocated and whether I was doing the right thing for me. I'd like to believe that I am not a spoiled brat. Also, I wouldn't want to be a parasite, living dependent on my parents' money. I'd like to start earning soon. But that gets me wondering if I will ever be ... employable. I definitely have a weird OCD with taking responsibility - enough to make some of my friends refer to me as a Ma/Mata.

Lately, I feel like having to 'grow up' and face the 'real world' (funny how we can term the first 20 years of our life as un-real - a debate for another post) seems to have come too soon and I'm not ready for it. But then again, who's ever really really ready? It's just something you need to do, right? In 2 weeks, I will be done with my final exams. I wonder if my subconscious is making me slack more than usual with the studying because I don't know if I want to take these exams, pass them and leave this relatively safer world. But then again, who am I kidding - DU will pass all of us and make sure we graduate the hell out. We're the last annual mode batch and they just don't have any place for us in further transition the University is going to see soon. My friends and family were joking about how I got 4 farewells in college - Intra-Department, Inter-Department, Teachers', NSS. I would joke in return about how the college either seemed to be having withdrawal symptoms or they just wanted to drill it into our heads that we had to leave. 4 farewells and 2 finals on, I'm still not feeling it.

I realize now that I have always been in love with details in the fabric. Not referring to a Fab India kurta, bro. I mean the details in the idea of growing up and how life will be. In the process, I fear I may not have valued the present enough, at times. I never for a second, wondered how I would feel at this cusp that I'm at, right now. I never thought of the journey of transitioning or the initial period. I romanticized the notion of being grown up and blurred the surrounding stuff out, I guess.

However, the more I think about it while hogging on mango, drinking coffee or debating whether or not to go get a lemon tart or chocolate mousse as a treat for no reason, I realize something. I realize that maybe it's not the stuff that you actually end up doing that says that you've grown up. Maybe it's realizing that it's time to transit and admitting to yourself that it's time, that show's you're growing up. And maybe the point I was trying to make came really late or this is mentioned in books and wisdom passed through the generations but I like how this realization came to me on its own.

You know what's funny though? I'm not sure that I'm ready to admit that I'm admitting it through this blog post.

I have no idea about how it will be like or whether I'm over-hyping it. I don't know if I'm supposed to feel this 'clichéd' feeling right now or maybe once I'm done with studying for real (PhD?).

As they famously say, 'admitting it is the first step.' From my position, 'admitting me is the first step' - you know, admission to different Master's degree programs.